Well, this week has been yet another rollercoaster hasn’t it! I’m going to work backwards and talk about things in reverse chronological order. I’ll be honest, I have struggled to find my mojo over the last couple of days. We have just finished the week and have two more to go but that simultaneously feels like a lifetime and no time at all. The weather has been pretty miserable, so I know that hasn’t helped but the biggest thing for me was going back into lockdown, finding out via a compound group chat upon awakening in the morning. This isn’t all ‘woe is me’ because I know we have colleagues and friends who have been back in lockdown since last weekend and, as I always go back to, I am safe and I am healthy. I am just cross and frustrated. Everything seemed to be going so well and smoothly but now it feels like we have gone backwards. We had a date for shipping finally agreed, but that may not now be possible. Although it’s not clear because we are in the limbo situation of ‘2 +12’ with 2 days in the apartment and 12 days self-monitoring (for now, at least – this may become 14 days lockdown). I know I can’t go on public transport, to shops or to gatherings, but does that mean the packers can come to me? I have an appointment at the bank to transfer my money, but can I go or does it count as a shop?! There is another week to go, so I am not going to bombard my building rep with my questions, but I really would like to know! As you know, I am someone who likes clarity and, although I think I have done really quite well dealing with the uncertainty over the past months (and years) I am struggling right now.
I feel like I have almost jinxed my own situation because, just a couple of days ago, I said that I wanted the shipping gone just in case we went back into lockdown and I went into school to gather my many IKEA bags worth of ‘stuff’; apparently I was so paranoid about having to sleep at school that I had packed 5 changes of clothes, 3 deodorants, 2 make up bags and 2 toothbrushes! Some of which, admittedly, was there for any emergency, but still… I have since donated my Taobao special sleeping bag to a friend because I am definitely not shipping it. It was great to be back in the building even through the test requirements are rather challenging. I was able to re-group and get my head back in the game. I even found some paperwork relating to to-do lists before the end of term which had been written way before lockdown. I am delighted to say that the majority has already been done! Well done, me! I also took the opportunity to take my passport to our wonderful HR department so they can apply for my non-criminal record check so that is another box ticked. Not all is doom and gloom! It was also wonderful to re-connect in person with some colleagues, albeit briefly. I don’t think I had realised just how much I had missed that face-to-face contact and how important it really is.
I go back to my old friend Stephen Bartlett who talks about listening to some positive an uplifting music to set the tone for your day. I am sorry to say that music wasn’t going to cut it this time, so I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a while and then picked myself up. I had coffee (caffeine works wonders when you don’t usually drink it), put on my cheerful summer scarf and my ‘Good Wife’ power lipstick. (For those of you who are wondering what on earth I mean, I really liked a particular shade of pink from the strong female main character in the TV series ‘The Good Wife’ and wearing it makes me feel good.) I was finally ready to face the world. The idea of power dressing always makes me think of 80s-style shoulder pads and power suits. It also takes me back to my early career when I felt I needed to dress in a certain way as my armour. I didn’t wear any makeup in those days, apart from the odd flash of mascara, but I do now, and it makes me feel good. I wear it for me, not for anyone else, and it makes me feel confident. I don’t do it because I have more wrinkles than I had in those days or the dark circles under my eyes are more prominent, I wear it because I like to. It makes me feel like I have begun the day and is now part of my daily routine. I definitely needed it this week too! It’s not my armour now, but it is my ‘game face’ and a confidence boost. Once I have it on, I am ready to face the day and the ‘public’ officially. It has been somewhat of a lifeline during lockdown because it makes me stick to my routines when it would be so easy to not really bother to put ‘real clothes’ on or look like I would if I were physically at work.
I love psychology and find it fascinating. In the midst of losing my mojo and struggling to find the motivation to do the paperwork I need to do; I have had some wonderful connecting moments. I have led assembly story times, I have handed out Head Teacher’s Commendations and I have had some wonderful PDR meetings. They have brought me joy and they have brought me pleasure. It’s almost time to say goodbye and it’s increasingly unlikely I will be able to see the vast majority of ‘my’ staff to say thank you and goodbye for all of their love, support and hard work and that makes me sad and it makes me cross but these negative emotions are not helpful and something which I am working hard to control. It’s all about the Positive Mental Attitude.
To finish, I would like to express my thanks to all who sent messages of support for my beautiful ‘godson’. He is home, on medication and he is back at school. My friend, however, is scared to let him out of her sight and just watches him sleep. She is effectively a full-time carer and is just petrified of losing her beautiful boy who she feels is just too special and unique for this world. This breaks my heart. I’ll be back with them soon and I will do whatever I can to be there for them all now and always. She has been my friend since we met at the College bus stop aged 18, she stunned everyone at my wedding, and I was her bridesmaid. We have been through all sorts together over the years and we will do so again. Our mantra always was ‘Bring it on!’ and it seems more poignant now than ever.
Music today is a terribly cheesy-sounding YouTube instrumental playlist ‘Healing Music for the Heart and Blood Vessels’. It’s surprisingly relaxing and just lovely background music.
I’ve given my feet a break from my standing desk and am writing this sitting in the window as the sun goes down. I’m feeling chilled and ready for the weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
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